The Old Blueprint has given me a real shot in the last 10 days or so. As much as I would like to tell you different, I went ahead and jumped right on in, too. I would also love to be able to tell you that I handled it rearing its ugly head with equanimity. However, that would be a lie.
Of course, the whole drift started with some insignificant items, one being a small tiff with a former co-volunteer, who was inconvenienced by something I did differently than he might have, a couple of frustrating and completely illogical time consuming breakdowns; one being my internet service and the modem I use, another a seeming meltdown of business processing at an otherwise reliable source. Add some very minor family drama and an incipient lecture from a completely unqualified and ignorant self-appointed authority (whose ministry I avoided, at least I didn’t sign up for THAT) and you get the picture. A life-size Whack A Mole game with me being the chief batter.
By Thursday, with the usual blog deadline looming, I began a blog post with: “I shouldn’t be writing anything” and I was right. Having made a start though, I did not hesitate; I just went ahead. I put in print all the dark thoughts, the worries, the seeming unwanted result. Really, I gave it my all. I came to the end of the sliver of time I had to do the unwanted chore, saved the file, shut things down and went on to the next effing thing.
As I went on, a curious thing happened. My mindless errands and to do’s carried an unexpected benefit, that being time for me to think things through a little more thoroughly. Is this really all to no good end? Have I really wasted my time? Does the whole thing really not work if you don’t hold your mouth just right and do every last thing perfectly? Slowly my angst left and I came back to a semblance of sanity, having mentally beaten myself to a state of reasonableness.
As always, the negative sort of thinking, for me, is in the area of “there isn’t enough of it and it isn’t the right kind” (or shape, or color, pick your poison). A faint glimmer appeared in my interior, which turned out to be a nugget of truth that was inescapable. A lack, something known to me but (maybe the word is) accepted, had been met. Not to say I got what I wanted, but the need had been completely erased. Soon thereafter, I had to admit: If it had worked on that, it would work on anything.
My old friend.
The point is, spiritually, without a specific focused effort to accomplish a certain outcome, IT had happened. As it has in other times of my spiritual walk, it slipped quietly in and out the back door on little cat feet, while I was flailing away at something completely unrelated, seemingly. Except it isn’t. It’s all related, and I’m not able to manage it, asses it. criticize it, evaluate it, retract it, expand it, etc., etc., …not at all.